The Victims We Don’t Consider…
Two years ago, I discovered a short play that really made me think about things. I found it because I was looking for a script for this amazing play called “On The Exhale” by Martin Zimmerman. This one woman play tells the story of a mother who loses her child in a school shooting. It chronicles her pain, her grief, and her path to cope with her unimaginable loss. And it’s a story that too many parents in our country have had to experience, especially in recent decades.
It’s crazy to see how things have changed from when I was a child. I mean, I remember fire drills, tornado drills, even earthquake drills, but we NEVER had to have an active shooter drill. Our classroom doors were open, our hallways were safe, we didn’t need metal detectors or cameras or security guards. But then everything changed. During my ninth grade year, two days after my birthday, the Columbine School Shooting happened. Suddenly, there was this shift in attitude and attention.
I was never a popular kid. I was always bullied and picked on. I was the kid that had to stay home for four weeks because I was on crutches and my mom was afraid that someone would hurt me. I was the theatre loving kid that was so excited for my first big role and have someone else in the cast call me a fag in front of the entire school. The looks, comments, and giggles haunted me everyday. So, suddenly, the school cared about me and the bullying I had endured. They kept asking me if I was ok. Suddenly, I was looked at as “one of those kids.”
What happened at Columbine affected me so deeply. We began hearing the stories from the families of victims, the survivors, and the community leaders. But what about the shooters? Where were their stories? Their loved ones that not only lost their children but also have to live with realization of what they did. And I wanted to know too. Everyone talked about how they were loners, that they were picked on and bullied, they were angry all the time, and they looked creepy in their black trench coats. That was me! I was that kid, down to the black trench coat, which the school politely asked that I stop wearing. But it was almost eerie, when they described the behavior of the shooters before that day, they could have been describing me.
I know sympathizing with the shooters is not a popular thing or even a recommended action, but I do. I started thinking about what could have happened to them to cause this reaction. Things that no one will ever know about because our school systems have not done a good enough job to protect them or to hold bullies accountable. And then the family, the friends, the people who loved the shooter.
So when I found the script for “First Person Shooter” by Don Zolidis, it opened my eyes in so many ways. I knew that this was a story that had to be told. It was a subject we shouldn’t be ignoring any longer. It’s so easy to place blame, to ostracize the family of a shooter. Especially when the shooter didn’t survive the shooting. There’s no one else to hold accountable. And someone has to pay! But they are also dealing with grief on so many levels. And do you really think they aren’t blaming themselves? How didn’t they know, why didn’t they stop it? So many questions that they don’t have answers for because they are asking the same questions of themselves.
So here we are, after two years of exploring, researching, and crafting. I was so excited to learn that we had been selected for the St. Lou Fringe Festival. There is no better space for this piece than the Fringe! So we went to work, planning auditions, working on rehearsal schedules and most importantly, telling the community that it’s happening. I never thought about the fallbacks to this play.
It wasn’t until I received a phone call. It was from the superintendent. While we are not affiliated with the school district, we have been using the school for rehearsals and our performances. So in planning, I booked the school for auditions and rehearsals and published a poster proudly announcing “FIRST PERSON SHOOTER AUDITIONS COMING SOON” and included it would be at the school. How did I not catch the irony in that statement, the insensitivity, the ignorance.
The school was very kind about it but informed us we could not audition or rehearse the show at the school. Which I totally understood. But as I sit here and write this, I wish that I could effectively convey my reasoning for wanting to do this show. Not because I sympathize with school shooters, even though on some level I do . But because we focus solely on one side of the victim spectrum and not the other.
I recently wrote a short story, The Quiet Room, inspired by “On the Exhale” but from the perspective of the shooter’s parent instead of the victim’s. And I hope that that story and the message from “First Person Shooter” will resonate with people because there are too many kids out there that feel like I did growing up. Sometimes I still feel that way. And there are people out there that LOVE those kids and want to help but don’t know the right thing to do, the right questions to ask, and sometimes, time runs out and there’s nothing anyone could do. But we have to start paying more attention!
We hope that you will take the time to come see our show, First Person Shooter by Don Zolidis, at the 2025 St Lou Fringe Festival. For performance times and ticket information, click or tap here!
Thank you and see you at the stage,
Jordan Matt-Zeitler, Artistic Director
Valley Park Community Theatre
